What Ayahuasca Taught Me About Surrender and Gifts

It only took me a handful of times working with plant medicine to understand that the worst thing you can do in ceremony is resist. This means to resist an urge, a movement, a constriction, a message or an experience you have been presented with. If you fight the medicine and what it is there to show you, you will only cause yourself to suffer. This is not just a lesson in Ayauhasca, it is a lesson in life.

Earlier this year I had a good lesson in Surrender. The medicine came to me through a friend to say that it was time to sit in ceremony. In short, this friend expressed that she felt it was time for me to sit again and I was instantly triggered. For the two weeks leading up to that ceremony, I thought about how to back out of it because I was in full blown panic mode. The fear and anxiety that often preceded ceremony for me was eating me alive. To make it more perplexing, She (the Medicine) visited me every night leading up to that ceremony, preparing me with mini journeys and glimpses of what was to come. As I continued to struggle with the calling, She told me that I had to come in order to receive my gifts. At that point, She had my attention.

WHAT?! It’s time for gifts?! YES!

All of my hard work had finally paid off and I was going to receive gifts from the medicine. I had heard Maestro talk about gifts before, but I never knew what they were specifically. After psyching myself up a little and then working with Kambo to clear my anxiety, I was ready to go in. It was the first time I went into ceremony with excitement and determination. Looking back, I now know that was more ego than anything else LOL. I went willingly because I thought I was about to get something out of it. Doh!

As it turns out, this was the most difficult night of my life and it felt like an eternity. I spent the whole ceremony fighting the medicine, not understanding how to surrender or what to do with the piece of me I needed to let go of. The piece of me that needed the approval of others, the affection of strange men and the numbing bliss of alcohol. It was that deep and dirty core belief of “I am not enough”. I felt that everything I had been taught about working with the medicine was thrown out the window because I did not yet have the experience or context to understand it.

In the final minutes of the ceremony I found myself in child’s pose variation reverse prayer pose, offering myself to the medicine. I spoke aloud and said “I don’t have anything left to give, all I have is myself”. The voice that came to respond said, “You are enough.”

And that was it.

I wasn’t quite out of the medicine when ceremony ended and I went to bed upset and confused. The medicine had talked me in to taking way more than I wanted and into a place of suffering for so long. I was still feeling it and I wanted to be done. I didn’t receive any gifts. I kept trying to surrender and it brought me nothing but more heaviness and pain. I felt betrayed and pissed off.

Those feelings loosened the next day, but were still present. I saw a beauty in the people around me that I had never seen before and felt an absence of some of my “heaviness”. I facilitated for the group the following night and supported everyone in a mostly blissful and joyous time. There was dancing and singing, many saw God in one way or another. I was so happy for them, but I couldn’t help feeling this was the experience I wanted for myself and my feelings of frustration returned.

I am really feeling the child-mother dynamic right now as I rewrite this. Feeling mad that I didn’t get what I wanted and having to learn my lessons “the hard way”. I am sarcastically and nostalgically thinking “thanks mom” lol.

On the final day of integration, Maestro spoke about the gifts we receive in the medicine. There is only a handful, but they sure are profound. As I listen to him speak it dawns on me that I already have most of those gifts. I use them with myself and with my clients on a regular basis. I have most of those gifts and I have not spent one minute being grateful for them. *Facepalm moment*

As the weeks moved forward and I felt the difference the ceremony made in my life, I grew this tremendous amount of respect for the medicine. My “I am not enough” core belief held me back in ways I had not even realized. It held me back with my clients, my career, my self respect and my relationship. My life was one giant projection of how I felt I wasn’t enough. I was/am so grateful that the medicine helped me shift this core belief and forced me to look at my lack of gratitude for the things in my life as a result.

And so, as I began to feel grateful for my many gifts, they grew. (Surprise!)

My gratitude for the medicine turned to awe and reverence. I knew this medicine was something I needed to surrender to in all ways of my life. So when I got the message to move across the country and create a sanctuary space to work with her, I did.

To be continued…


Awakenings and Initiations

I am not sure what to call what I have been going through.  It has many names I think – spiritual awakening, shamanic initiation, integration process, ego death, or perhaps it is sometimes called psychosis or schizophrenia.  This process looks different for everyone, but I want to share what I have been going through in the hopes that it will reach just one other person who needs reassurance or support.  Basically, the last few weeks have felt like one long Ayahuasca ceremony. Allow me to start at the beginning.

About two months ago I sat and had breakfast with one of my dear friends, a sister healer.  She seemed a little nervous and began to tell me about her polyamorous relationship with her husband – something I would have never expected!  

[First, I want you to stop and picture the cutest Disney couple you could imagine.  Both of them are undeniably gorgeous and they flow so well together. They light up every room and appear to be the closest of souls.]

She described some of the characteristics of this type of relationship and we got into a discussion about how it has forced both of them to relinquish attachment to one another, face the reasons behind jealousy head on and encourage unparalleled communication skills between themselves.  As she described this to me, my world started to crumble around me. I felt suffocated, pained, confused and dazed. I didn’t know what was happening but I was nearly dysfunctional for two days after this conversation. I felt the urge to call my husband and be sure he didn’t want this type of relationship – certain it was the universe telling me to get ready for it! The best way I can described it is that I felt like one of my core beliefs was being shaken but I didn’t know how to embrace it.  The only other way I know how to describe this feeling is by comparing it to a session with the Ayahuasca.  More on how this unfolds later.

In the weeks to come, Spirit communication started to become a thing in my life.  Souls who needed help crossing over would come to me and seek guidance and communication.  I always secretly wanted to be a Medium – and now was my time. Ok, badass skill number one : Mediumship.

As I continued to work with Plant Medicine, other gifts began to unfold.  The universe started showing me where my family should move. I was given a handful of very specific locations to consider and we have decided on Oregon.  We are moving to Oregon in the early summer months of 2019! We have no plan, we have no giant savings – but I trust that Spirit will guide the way. I was shown what the house would look like, as well as the massage/ceremony space I will have out back.  I have been meeting people nonstop “by accident” who live in Oregon. There are no coincidences. Badass skill number two : being shown the future and how to go with the flow.  

Around the same time, I was given a direct line to my higher self and/or Spirit.  When I ask questions, I get answers immediately and clearly. While this has been exciting and reassuring, it has also been difficult, as some information is best unknown.  For Example: I was told my dog has cancer and will live less than a year. I was also told that I was sexually assaulted at age 2 and it is the next healing process I must go through.  You take the good with the bad I guess. Badass skill number three : direct line to Spirit.  

As these skills trickled in, I suffered my first migraine/headache.  It lasted ten days and those were the most intense of my life. During the second week of head pain I sat in Ayahuasca ceremony, Kambo ceremony and had a craniosacral session.  Each played an integral role in moving me beyond what I was experiencing – I believe this to be a part of the awakening process and something I can help others with through my craniosacral skills.    This is very exciting stuff! Also, just a side note, Kambo is a profound underrated medicine that I highly recommend you try with an experienced practitioner who has actually trained in the Amazon extensively – none of these US born practitioners who have never held or milked a frog with their own hands.  I felt the medicine literally hop through my body, disintegrate debilitating anxiety and it stayed with me for days. In fact, the night of my ceremony, I was sitting in my car at a stoplight down the street. A little frog jumped through my window, landed on each of my thighs, and exited out the passenger window.  It was truly magical.

Ok, so we will come back around to the topic of polyamory.  I discussed it with Mother Ayahuasca in ceremony and she said, “don’t be ridiculous, you will only be forced to be in this kind of relationship if you refuse to cut attachment to your husband.”  After this conversation, I was forced to grieve for all the people in my life who died when I was a child and was unable to process grief properly. I spent almost three hours in grieving that day.  The worst came last, where I was told that my Spirit guide (he calls himself “Father”) is actually my father’s soul. I was forced to grieve the death of my father, whose soul has left his body due to the deep damage that has been done.  My dad is still alive mind you, but he has been “off” and not present for about a year .. and now I understand why.

After my ceremony, this awful feeling that kept coming over me in waves just got worse.  I was told repeatedly that it was time to let go of my husband. During these moments of integration process, I was forced to completely detach from him and let him go.  I didn’t know why, I just knew I had to and the pain was so much to bear. I was crippled for about 40 minutes, twice every day, with this crushing grief and confusion. When it passed, I could think clearly and knew it was just my attachment I needed to relinquish, but that did not help the pain.  After two weeks of that, this last Monday actually, I caved and booked an integration session with a shaman that I know and love (I wrote about her in an earlier post). We went through a session and determined that it was my attachment to outcome I needed to let go of in order to step into my role as healer.  I have to detach from my husband’s healing process, his path, as well as the outcomes and expectations of all my clients. Spirit told me that I had to start with him because his outcome would be the hardest to let go of…

I can’t say anything other than WOW.  Thank god for integration coaches lol.  So it has been two days, and the waves of crushing heartbreak and need to let go have gone as I process all of it.  I understand my message and it is time to integrate it into my life.

Badass Skill number four : the Medicine is inside me.  But more than that, it is a part of me.


I am sure there will be more, but here you have the start of it.  This is a very challenging and exciting time. I can’t wait to share what comes next <3.  


The Shaman Cancelled, it’s all you!

Before I go into this post, I have a housekeeping note first.  I have decided to make this blog anonymous due to the upcoming content and potential conflict with my current state of “employment”.   This is a temporary measure and should be up and public again in the future.  If you wish to learn more about any of the topics I discuss or about me personally, please message me and I will provide you with additional information, consultation or assistance in any way that I can!

Now, one of the best parts about following a calling is when you get those signs and messages confirming that you are on the right track.  I mean, we all need a little encouragement and validation now and then, right? I had some pretty big signs recently that I am excited to share.

First, I have been volunteering and facilitating Ayahuasca ceremonies as of a few months ago.   I am very excited for this opportunity to learn more about the medicine and it’s process.  Not only will I have the chance to hold space and support others, but it has given me the ability to participate in more ceremonies for my own development and work under an experienced shaman.  I am nearly bursting with excitement as I think about what’s to come!

My first ceremony as a volunteer was intense.  As soon as everyone took the medicine and laid down to await their journey, I had a massive panic attack. I had flashbacks to my own first ceremony and started experiencing the same level of fear I had back then (definitely a sign that I have something to work through!). I made lifelong friends that weekend and witnessed a true transformation of one person specifically, a veteran with PTSD.

The first day of the retreat I met him and I spoke to him specifically because I saw that he was completely separated from everyone else on the property. He called to me. This man seemed sad and destroyed, if I am being completely honest. By the end of the weekend, he was a different person. He was talking to others, hugging them, and he just had this permanent smile it fixed on his face. I had witnessed a true transformation and I was completely blown away. This of course was only one of several examples that I saw over that weekend, but it’s the one that sticks out the most.

The second universal sign happened when I offered to help my friend during her mushroom ceremony, which was to be facilitated by a shaman.    She shared with me that when she works with mushrooms, she channels messages from somewhere (or someone) else and she needed a scribe for the ceremony.  When I arrived at her house the day of the ceremony,  I learned that the shaman had cancelled and my friend asked me if I could jump in instead!   Side note: If you have never seen someone channel, I highly recommend it.   Their voice, posture and mannerisms change completely as they take one someone else.  It was a great ceremony and, right in the middle of it, I received a message.  My friend sat up, pointed her finger at me, and said “you need to go to Peru, there is wisdom for you there”.

It Blew. My. Damn. Mind.

As if these occurrences weren’t enough, I just finished spending the weekend with a master shaman from the Shipibo tribe of Peru.  I was originally asked if I would be interested in volunteering at a small private ceremony, which turned into a full blown paid facilitator gig.  “Facilitating” means that you are holding space for the participants, looking after their physical and energetic bodies, but also drinking the medicine to maintain a connection with the plant and with everyone in the room.  In addition to this beautiful experience, we all got the education of a lifetime from this wonderful man.  He taught us how to journey properly, with literal step-by-step instructions and potential outcomes.  I cannot wait to share these lessons with other truth seekers and participants.

I was so excited at how fast things are unfolding that I had to make a Meme to reflect my joy haha.


Another small note of gratitude to several people who have been supporting and assisting me these last few months:

Angela Benck is a wonderful Integration Coach who helped me work through some of that fear I spoke about above.   Integration between Ayahuasca sessions is imperative to getting the most out of your experience and healing.

Eliza Stephen at Rise & Shine, Love continues to help me with concerns and questions I have surrounding self growth and the plant medicine path.

Sacred Snuff  provides me with local and affordable Rapé, which I am currently learning how to work with.

Amy Anthony for her incredible sound healing and bridging a gap I didn’t know existed.

As always, thank you for letting me share <3.  I have some exciting things coming up in the next few months, including a trip to Vancouver to attend the 2018 Spirit Plant Medicine Conference.   I can’t wait to share and grow this knowledge with anyone feeling the call to hear it!