I recently had the pleasure of journeying with Ayahuasca. My experience was so profound that I decided it was time to rekindle the blog and share my story with the world – or at least with the internet.
As I arrived at the retreat center, I was thrown in the mix with people from all over the country (and a few from Europe!). And I am not exaggerating when I say that many of these folks were the nicest people I have ever met. There were lawyers, massage therapists, medicine men and women, bartenders and a pastor. I even had the distinct suspicion that some of them would become lifelong friends of mine. After having the chance to mingle for a few hours and ask the many burning questions I held in my mind, we had introductions and a group prayer before laying down on our individual mats and consuming the medicine known as Ayahuasca. Before I go further I would like to add that if you don’t know anything about Ayahusca, please take a moment to look it up. You can even click the above link to the church I attended and read about it there. If you are aware of this plant medicine, please, I encourage you to read on.
The first night was the hardest. I journeyed to the deepest points of my soul and tore out parts of myself I no longer needed. As the medicine began to kick in I saw colors and movement every time my eyes fell closed. When it felt like too much, I was able to open my eyes and ground myself momentarily before carrying on. I first felt anger and then terror as I descended into the depths of my soul. This journey was the scariest thing I have ever experienced in my life – I would liken it to be the terror one may experience before a brutally painful death. All I could think was “I can’t do this. Why did I sign up for this? I want to go home!” As I began to purge, with the assistance of the most amazing ceremony facilitators, that terror and anger was released into the small white trashcan placed in front of me. If I didn’t have that supportive touch and a beautiful woman’s voice telling me “you can do this, you are strong enough”, I am not sure I would have ever made it through that part of the night (Thank you Colleen!). After only an hour of that fear and release, I was able to move to a spot next to the bonfire, where I silently communed with other participants. We gazed into the fire and up at the stars for several hours as the music continued and others around us pursued their own journey. I was glad mine was over – I felt mellow and raw.
The next morning I was done. I felt like I had looked death in the face and been shit on by him. I was not sure I could ever face such horrific fear and pain again! I did call my husband, cried a little and he attempted to encourage me to stay. After talking with many other group members and facilitators, I decided to try again. After all, people kept telling me that no two journeys were ever the same and I liked those odds. Instead of attending the next night ceremony, I signed up for the day ceremony instead. It was in the middle of the woods and during daylight hours. There was less music and I was permitted to gaze up into the trees as I journeyed. I knew this environment would be better for me and I was not wrong!
This journey was different. My intention for the day was to be more “connected”.. to others, myself, animals and nature. I am a budding massage therapist and I was having trouble feeling that connection, as well as love in general. Ayahuasca ensured that I experienced that connection and took me through both the good and the bad. First, I saw how synchronicity works… and the connection between people (energetically and via what we know as quantum physics). I was taken through the universe, a different dimension and even witnessed a far off planet that was inhabited completely by trees. I felt and watched them communicate with one another via an underground network of roots. I saw our own energy/universal field, which resembles a giant grid. There is no time or spacial distance between anything in (and out) of our awareness. Then there was the love. I felt so much love – which I continue to feel here 7 days later. It is nearly equal to the amount of love I felt when seeing my children for the first time – multiply that by one million. Then, I experienced the other end of “connection”. I went through the pain of a man lying near to me, felt him purge and then felt his relief – continually for nearly 4 hours. This happened with three other participants as well – we were literally connected. At the end of this journey, I let go of grief and guilt surrounding decisions I have made in the past concerning my husband. I saw a universal and karmic connection that I have with him and all that guilt was uprooted and discarded instantaneously. There was so much relief in that moment and tears of joy just kept flowing!
So here we are, 7 days later, and I am still reeling from last weekend. I was in a complete state of bliss and love on Monday and Tuesday, unable to shake the grin that was glued to my face. I danced and I sang around the house as I bathed in that intense love. I also had this uncanny ability to make decisions left and right – decisions I hadn’t known I was sitting on! My depression and anxiety has disappeared entirely, along with OCD symptoms that have been popping up over the last year. Food tastes differently, music sounds differently, my emotions are stable and my head feels clear and grounded. On Wednesday, I decided that my massage therapy business needed to morph into a full blown intuitive healing service. This would mean I was to begin offering massage, Reiki, Intuitive Life Coaching and various forms of energy and talk therapy. I also hope to work with plant medicine and Ayahuasca integration in the very near future, but I am trying to take this one step at a time! This was a big deal, accepting yourself to be a healer is a great responsibility and it can also mean making a bit of a sacrifice as well. I have been fighting it for several years, but I am officially ready to accept that calling!
Additionally, my daughters have been telling me that they have been hearing spirits and seeing figures in the kitchen for the last two nights. It is safe to say that something is going on in my energy field and it is affecting everybody.
So, that’s it for now! After seeing the incredible changes in my own life, I hope to return for another retreat in the coming months. I look forward to sharing that experience with you as well.