As I continue to draft my conclusion to the life chapter of my trip across the country (to Maui), I wanted to keep with sharing my dreams… which seem to get more vivid as I resume meditation and acupuncture on a regular basis. As soon as I wake up, I take pen to paper and write without thinking about it. Sometimes I can recall more later and sometimes I don’t even remember writing in the first place! It is pretty interesting. Here is one from yesterday, and although somewhat dark, it is valuable insight into my subconscious:
I’m swimming with alligators. Watching the attacks with moderate indifference. I am painting them, but with no passion or direction. I’m in a compound or village. It is not my time frame and it feels very “mystical”. People talk and speak as if magic is involved.
I invite people to me birthday party. It is important to me and I am excited to have them come. So are my two friends. No one can come. We decide to throw one together for us. It’s a male and female friend. It is just the three of us in the end.
I am in an auditorium. I’m a spectator to what I think is a false show. I’ve just come from the top floor where there was a fire brewing. I recall taking the elevator. People are taking my cigs to smoke them. I’m annoyed. When the windows open (it feels like I’m in the back seat of a car in some way, even though I am in this giant auditorium). I fear that the ashes will burn me. I can feel them burning my face. We are watching a movie on a projector mounted to the stage. I’m controlling it. I know this movie is for me and it is not meant for the rest of them but I just keep letting it play and letting the whole audience remain entertained. We are evacuated but I’m worried about him. He stayed up there with her. I watch it as it plays out, like a movie unraveling. I watch him go, he goes for sex with her. He offers me to come. I decline. I feel and project indifference but I know I am very sad.
At a different time… We go back to the area where it started. It is a manhunt and a sift through devastation. The place is a mess. It is not familiar and feels like a flat or penthouse type apartment. There is no sign of them. No sign of life. I know they’ve left. We can’t find my dogs right away. They’re sleeping and/or hiding in the bathroom under a bunch of clutter.
I think about my last encounter with them. The woman he is now involved with was sloppy in appearance and says “ok who’s turn is it to get me pregnant?” He submits. I’m severely disgusted and I feel queasy. I back down and I let him go. I don’t feel good about it. Too much regret. Guilt. Heartbreak. Confusion. Abandoned. Deceived.
Went to bed late. Woke up feeling numb and empty.