I had never thought myself to be a “blogger”. In fact, I did not enjoy the stigma attached to such a person! My reasons for initially creating this page were quite ironically not in line with the current nature of my thoughts. However, the story happens to be an excellent foundation and back-story to my recent self realization.
It was Christmas of 2012 and my husband was taking our two children to Texas for the holiday, where his parents reside. At this point in our marriage, we had two beautiful little girls and a marriage that I had already prepared to end. The stresses of our home going into foreclosure, completing my college degree while working and volunteering full time, and still fresh decision to put down our recently adopted dog had sent me into a downward spiral of devastation. During the ten days he was gone, a series of my own terrible decisions regarding alcohol consumption and several “unforeseeable events”, including the demise of our brand new oil furnace, had sent my emotional state to an ultimate low. I swung violently from missing him to wanting to replace him immediately. In this miserable and cynical state, I created this blog- with the original purpose of exposing my disgust with the US legal system and government (this will probably never make sense).
By mid January, I felt myself to be in an “unsafe” position, or rather I had a strong feeling that I would take my own life in the coming weeks. I have been in this position previously, mostly in my adolescent years, but it was difficult for me to admit those thoughts and reach out. I was ready to end this 15 year struggle with depression, borderline personality, addiction, and all other ailments I had been diagnosed with by some doctor or professional throughout my life.
My husband, being the compassionate and caring man that he is, urged me to call my best friend who could always manage to pull me out of my funk. I was even urged to fly down to see him in Florida for a weekend off from my life. After several hours on the phone, contemplating the next flight to Orlando, my best friend tells me, “Nadia, you have always been the type of person who can walk into a room and change the energy of everyone in it. When you are low, you are bringing down the world around you. When you are in a positive place, everyone knows it because they can feel it radiating from you”. Or something along those lines….
I am hesitant to share this turning point, but mostly because there is a lot you must understand in order to grasp the significance here. My best friend and I are very close, despite the physical distance. He has always told me “how it is” and he never sugar-coats anything. This is the same type of communicator I am and it is something I respect and find very useful in life. Also, this observation of his had struck me in an odd way because he was never the type of person to consider energy or “vibes” of a person.
Anyway, he soothed me some more and I decided I could stay at home and suck it up a little while longer. I was in my last semester of undergrad and was eager to wrap it up and take myself on vacation to Hawaii in celebration of my graduation. I sat at home that night with a bottle of wine and a family I felt a strong distaste for… Only now, I was starting to change the way I viewed myself.
And so it began.