I am not sure what to call what I have been going through. It has many names I think – spiritual awakening, shamanic initiation, integration process, ego death, or perhaps it is sometimes called psychosis or schizophrenia. This process looks different for everyone, but I want to share what I have been going through in the hopes that it will reach just one other person who needs reassurance or support. Basically, the last few weeks have felt like one long Ayahuasca ceremony. Allow me to start at the beginning.
About two months ago I sat and had breakfast with one of my dear friends, a sister healer. She seemed a little nervous and began to tell me about her polyamorous relationship with her husband – something I would have never expected!
[First, I want you to stop and picture the cutest Disney couple you could imagine. Both of them are undeniably gorgeous and they flow so well together. They light up every room and appear to be the closest of souls.]
She described some of the characteristics of this type of relationship and we got into a discussion about how it has forced both of them to relinquish attachment to one another, face the reasons behind jealousy head on and encourage unparalleled communication skills between themselves. As she described this to me, my world started to crumble around me. I felt suffocated, pained, confused and dazed. I didn’t know what was happening but I was nearly dysfunctional for two days after this conversation. I felt the urge to call my husband and be sure he didn’t want this type of relationship – certain it was the universe telling me to get ready for it! The best way I can described it is that I felt like one of my core beliefs was being shaken but I didn’t know how to embrace it. The only other way I know how to describe this feeling is by comparing it to a session with the Ayahuasca. More on how this unfolds later.
In the weeks to come, Spirit communication started to become a thing in my life. Souls who needed help crossing over would come to me and seek guidance and communication. I always secretly wanted to be a Medium – and now was my time. Ok, badass skill number one : Mediumship.
As I continued to work with Plant Medicine, other gifts began to unfold. The universe started showing me where my family should move. I was given a handful of very specific locations to consider and we have decided on Oregon. We are moving to Oregon in the early summer months of 2019! We have no plan, we have no giant savings – but I trust that Spirit will guide the way. I was shown what the house would look like, as well as the massage/ceremony space I will have out back. I have been meeting people nonstop “by accident” who live in Oregon. There are no coincidences. Badass skill number two : being shown the future and how to go with the flow.
Around the same time, I was given a direct line to my higher self and/or Spirit. When I ask questions, I get answers immediately and clearly. While this has been exciting and reassuring, it has also been difficult, as some information is best unknown. For Example: I was told my dog has cancer and will live less than a year. I was also told that I was sexually assaulted at age 2 and it is the next healing process I must go through. You take the good with the bad I guess. Badass skill number three : direct line to Spirit.
As these skills trickled in, I suffered my first migraine/headache. It lasted ten days and those were the most intense of my life. During the second week of head pain I sat in Ayahuasca ceremony, Kambo ceremony and had a craniosacral session. Each played an integral role in moving me beyond what I was experiencing – I believe this to be a part of the awakening process and something I can help others with through my craniosacral skills. This is very exciting stuff! Also, just a side note, Kambo is a profound underrated medicine that I highly recommend you try with an experienced practitioner who has actually trained in the Amazon extensively – none of these US born practitioners who have never held or milked a frog with their own hands. I felt the medicine literally hop through my body, disintegrate debilitating anxiety and it stayed with me for days. In fact, the night of my ceremony, I was sitting in my car at a stoplight down the street. A little frog jumped through my window, landed on each of my thighs, and exited out the passenger window. It was truly magical.
Ok, so we will come back around to the topic of polyamory. I discussed it with Mother Ayahuasca in ceremony and she said, “don’t be ridiculous, you will only be forced to be in this kind of relationship if you refuse to cut attachment to your husband.” After this conversation, I was forced to grieve for all the people in my life who died when I was a child and was unable to process grief properly. I spent almost three hours in grieving that day. The worst came last, where I was told that my Spirit guide (he calls himself “Father”) is actually my father’s soul. I was forced to grieve the death of my father, whose soul has left his body due to the deep damage that has been done. My dad is still alive mind you, but he has been “off” and not present for about a year .. and now I understand why.
After my ceremony, this awful feeling that kept coming over me in waves just got worse. I was told repeatedly that it was time to let go of my husband. During these moments of integration process, I was forced to completely detach from him and let him go. I didn’t know why, I just knew I had to and the pain was so much to bear. I was crippled for about 40 minutes, twice every day, with this crushing grief and confusion. When it passed, I could think clearly and knew it was just my attachment I needed to relinquish, but that did not help the pain. After two weeks of that, this last Monday actually, I caved and booked an integration session with a shaman that I know and love (I wrote about her in an earlier post). We went through a session and determined that it was my attachment to outcome I needed to let go of in order to step into my role as healer. I have to detach from my husband’s healing process, his path, as well as the outcomes and expectations of all my clients. Spirit told me that I had to start with him because his outcome would be the hardest to let go of…
I can’t say anything other than WOW. Thank god for integration coaches lol. So it has been two days, and the waves of crushing heartbreak and need to let go have gone as I process all of it. I understand my message and it is time to integrate it into my life.
Badass Skill number four : the Medicine is inside me. But more than that, it is a part of me.
I am sure there will be more, but here you have the start of it. This is a very challenging and exciting time. I can’t wait to share what comes next <3.